The professor says (and I've paraphrased in some parts to pull their conversation into a paragraph) "these days neither girls nor guys seem to want to admit that their dates are dates. But they have different reasons for not wanting to, and those reasons kick in on different occasions. I think one common reason girls today don't call dates dates is that guys today think 'date' means 'sex.' The idea of dating as courtship has almost disappeared." (I agree with this one...if someone at the office says they're dating someone, it means they're sleeping together.)

 

"Also, girls these days often don't call dates dates because guys these days are so afraid of commitment. The girl may feel that the only way the guy will ever court her is if he doesn't have to admit that it's courtship." (I also know this from experience. A guy initiated/pursued and we spend time getting to know each other but when I finally ask after six months if we're seeing each other because people have been asking me...he can't say....and then the "relationship" ends.)

 

He continues, "Girls are right — guys these days are afraid of commitment. It's part of their fear of growing up. And there's another reason. Fear of failure. If you're 'just friends' and she says no to pizza, it's no big deal. But if you ask her on a pizza date and she says no, it's humiliating. To relieve the pressure, guys don't call dates dates. Which relates to another girl reason. Most girls don't want to humiliate guys, so if the guy doesn't call it a date, they go along with him."

 

"We have the pressure for sex, fear of commitment, fear of failure — all those things have changed the rules of relationships. Add to those things the feeling that men and women are adversaries, and things look pretty grim. No wonder guys aren't willing to call dates dates. They don't know what they might be getting into."

 

"The problem is that not calling dates dates doesn't work either."

 

"When you're enjoying a social activity with a girl, you should admit to yourself that it's inherently unlike a social activity with a guy friend. Call it what it is: A date."

"That makes it sound like it might lead to something," grumbled the student.

"It might lead to something. That's the point. Dating generates expectations. The problem in our time isn't that it generates expectations — because it ought to generate them. The problem is that too often it generates either wrong expectations or conflicting expectations...An example of a wrong expectation is when the guy thinks he's entitled to sex. The sexual powers are too powerful to play around with outside marriage."

"I see that well enough. What about the conflicting ones?" asked the student

"For instance when the guy views the girl just as someone to have fun with, while the girl views the guy as someone she might be interested in marrying."

I'm driven to want
That which is promised to us
But evading me

Will the heart know rest
And on this side of Heaven?
So it hangs waiting

It's Canada Day
A quietness surrounds me
Comforting repose

My first "real job" after I graduated was a Customer Service Account Representative. I had a portfolio of customers who I took care of in terms of ensuring their shipments traveled to their destinations in the smoothest way possible. Being in the transport industry, a number of factors affect whether or not things went smoothly. Our customers were depending on us to deliver per their expectations...hopefully expectations that have been properly set by the account managers who sold them the service. But most of the time, our smaller customers were the ones with the biggest expectations and had the biggest outcries or tantrums when something doesn't go as expected...even if there were no errors. In the 18 months I spent in this position....I learned to manage their expectations (and so kept my sanity). Their expectations revolved around things like (my response to manage their expectation in brackets):

• number of hours before a phone call is returned to be considered "prompt" (you need to give me at least an hour to do my job so I can call you back with an answer!)
• number of hours before an email is replied to be considered "timely" (I will reply within five minutes to tell you that you can expect an answer to your question in at most, three hours)
• number of updates they expect to receive from me within a shipping cycle to be considered "proactive" (instead of daily updates with the same piece of information, how about I email you when I anticipate a change in plans)

We humans operate on expectations. And when something happens outside of that set of expectations...we assume all sorts of things...and generally experience some kind of inner dischord. Okay, most people freak out. Many of my customers did. But once time is given into explaining various steps or processes or reasons for things that take place outside of their expectations...they calm down and become quite pleasant again. Within their mind, there is now a broader margin of what's expected and so they won't freak out until that limit is exceeded. And that's usually enough time for me to get my job done so that when they call back to check, I have good news for them. My service mantra is to under promise and over deliver.

There are also expectations of those in leadership or those whom we supervise. But it might not match the other person's expectation of you as their leader or employee. I've learned I can manage expectations upstream (towards my managers) as well as downstream (to customers or those whom I'm supervising).

And so I also learned to also manage my own expectations in personal relationships. Years ago I read "Boundaries" by Henry Cloud, and he suggests that if someone does something that bothers you, then it's your own fault for not adjusting/protecting your boundary in a way that keeps you at ease. This concept came back to me in my own expectations management. I generally have a huge threshold for things annoying, but when something happens regularly causing me discomfort, I recognize it's to do with an expectation I have and will then try to find out how I can change that expectation so it no longer bothers me. And then it's all good. I'm not trying to change the other person because, well, I can't. I can only change myself. 

This is tricky when building new friendships/relationships with people. I'm in a newish city, surrounded by newish people....and I'm trying to figure them out as I hope they're trying to figure me out. There's no company policy or textbook on this. We're all different. We all come with different trigger points, different baggage, different wounds, different preferences and tastes. Different expectations. For example:

• "normal" response time for text messages, voice messages, emails (if you have a blackberry it should be near instant)
• "appropriate" attire for dinner parties/etc (jeans or no jeans....tie or no tie?)
• "platonic" behavior verses "interested" behavior (oooo....many debates on this one)
• definition of "personal space" (one meter in Canada, five inches in China)
• how many minutes can pass before someone is considered "late" (and this varies depending on the event too....i.e. for appointments, you have five minutes in the UK, 10-15 minutes in North America, 20-40 minutes in India and if you're not 10 minutes early in Germany, then you're late)

Sometimes I can accurately guess through observation and interaction what to avoid doing around someone....or what another person might enjoy. Sometimes, after a period of just not being able to figure it out, I have to ask a little more directly. Some are really glad I asked because that also breaks the ice for them to be "real"...and then they are freed to ask me certain things they're unsure about. In years past, I've encountered some who were taken aback by the directness and got defensive as if I am judging them....which tells me something about the baggage they're carrying...but really, I'm only asking because I don't expect that they operate like I do, or operate how I might assume they would, so gaining a little insight into their life is beneficial for all! (This is not to say if someone is operating in a way that is harmful to themselves or others that I will just accept it as "okay". I'm talking about non-life/soul threatening differences like the examples above.)

I appreciate the honest answer regardless of what it is and will also give an honest answer (though I'm working on NOT being painfully honest). I actually like it when people take the time to find things out about me...as opposed to assuming I operate a certain way. Like the saying goes "To assume makes an ass of you and me."

And the bestest direct question that I was happy to give an answer to this year was from ultimatequeenofeverything, who asked "Do you like hugs?"  YES I DO! Thanks for asking!